Tommorw makes a year

Dear Derek:

Tommorw makes one year since you went to heaven. I look back on the night before you died and think about what happend. It was the day, that I got my best friend back and found that I had two best friends, you being the other one. Our convo that night was short. I remember us reading scriptures and talking about who turn it was to pray. I ended up saying it and marking it on my calander so we would remeber who turn it would be next. I remember how tried you looked that week. And how to me you didnt seem much like yourself.

Then I remeber the day you died, I remember getting up earlier to go to the journalism lab to go work on Yearbook stuff with Nancy and help her. I remeber how all earlier that morning I had the impression to call you and how I didn't. But, I sent you text message instead. I don't know if you got that text or not till this day. I remeber how when, I cam back to my dorm room before going to math class that I also wanted to hear Angels Among Us, over and over again. (This had
to be when the car wreck happened).

I remeber going to math class, and trying to understand it all and feeling pretty happy. I remember running into Colleen. I never run into her when she goes to class. I remeber her calling me asking me if I wanted to go over to her house to work, because her class got cancelled. A class of her's that is never cancelled. I remeber how I started to clean of the second self from the bottom and my phone ringing. Looking at the number I saw that it was out-of-state, I thought at first it was from Converages, trying to get me to have an interview or something. I answered it and it was your sister, I can't remeber the first words we shared. But I remember her telling me that you died. And then I started asking questions, like, what, how, when? And if it was possible for me to call her back. I had to let it all sink in.

I remeber walking over to the couch and Colleen, asking what is wrong. And how I looked at her and told her that you had died. And how fast my Branch Pres., the second concerl and her dad(my old branch pres.) gave me a blessing. I don't remeber the words said it in that blessing, I wish I had.

I remeber calling my dad, telling him that you had died, and that I was going out to your funeral. Because I know that you would do that for me. I remember callling my Journalism teacher telling him that I was not going to make to the PR class that afternoon.

That whole day, I could feel that you were with me. Till this day, I don't understand why you started to help me first with your death. I remeber crying a lot on the airplane and thinking, what if they think that I am too emotional to fly.

I remeber going to your funeral and thinking I wish I had someone( a lover) to put there arm around me as it was all going on. But, that wouldn't happen because you where dead and in the casket. I rememebr putting in a picture of us in the caseket, a red rose and my testiomony. I remember crying a lot those first few days and still even as the days, weeks and months past by.
It's still so very hard without you here. I see my two friends, Tara and Colleen getting married. And how I feel soo left out. And how I want that so much in my life. I want someone to hold me, I want someone to wipe my tears. I feel so far from it. I miss you honey. I tried of being single. I feel like I am one of those people in the short story that I read called the "Outcast of Poker Flats" and how I feel that mayeb I will just get kick out of the town(okay not so much that, maybe just less valued because I am not getting married) and by meaning this I mean how they kick people out of the town because they impores as a person.

I miss you... I hated now that you are gone and I am left. I do wish a lot that I was in Heaven. When I tell friends this they, don't like and it makes them worry. But, I do, I don't have any other easy way of putting it that way. I don't want be a lone.. I want a compaion. Everyone tells me that I will get married, I just got keep my doors open. But they don't understand, I am doing good just to date Arthur now.

They dont understand what we felt and more so what we shared. I don't like it how people told me that maybe we weren't suppose to be togather.. that hurts.. I don't want have to go through life struggles without a compaion. I look at other people and how they are going to get to have there compaion to help them through it. And too me that is not fair. I have already experinced so much pain and struggles in life. And through those times I have had to turn to my friends, family, stuff animals, and of course the Lord.

Am, I really ever going to get married? Are people actually going to care that its finally happening to me... right now I don't believe that it will happen. Let me put it this way, I don't feel that it is going to happen.

I miss you. I miss you. Tell our kids, that Mommy Loves them very much and she thinks about them a lot. And really does want them to come to her to earth. But, aslo let them know that she is sorry that if they can't come to her. Let them know that they are special and give them an extra hug and kiss for me tonight.

I love you sweet-heart. Please always remeber that. I will love you through Enterity. Thank you for changing my life.

Love your loving best friend forever, God be with you till we meet again