Friday, March 28, 2008

Tommorw makes a year

Dear Derek:

Tommorw makes one year since you went to heaven. I look back on the night before you died and think about what happend. It was the day, that I got my best friend back and found that I had two best friends, you being the other one. Our convo that night was short. I remember us reading scriptures and talking about who turn it was to pray. I ended up saying it and marking it on my calander so we would remeber who turn it would be next. I remember how tried you looked that week. And how to me you didnt seem much like yourself.

Then I remeber the day you died, I remember getting up earlier to go to the journalism lab to go work on Yearbook stuff with Nancy and help her. I remeber how all earlier that morning I had the impression to call you and how I didn't. But, I sent you text message instead. I don't know if you got that text or not till this day. I remeber how when, I cam back to my dorm room before going to math class that I also wanted to hear Angels Among Us, over and over again. (This had
to be when the car wreck happened).

I remeber going to math class, and trying to understand it all and feeling pretty happy. I remember running into Colleen. I never run into her when she goes to class. I remeber her calling me asking me if I wanted to go over to her house to work, because her class got cancelled. A class of her's that is never cancelled. I remeber how I started to clean of the second self from the bottom and my phone ringing. Looking at the number I saw that it was out-of-state, I thought at first it was from Converages, trying to get me to have an interview or something. I answered it and it was your sister, I can't remeber the first words we shared. But I remember her telling me that you died. And then I started asking questions, like, what, how, when? And if it was possible for me to call her back. I had to let it all sink in.

I remeber walking over to the couch and Colleen, asking what is wrong. And how I looked at her and told her that you had died. And how fast my Branch Pres., the second concerl and her dad(my old branch pres.) gave me a blessing. I don't remeber the words said it in that blessing, I wish I had.

I remeber calling my dad, telling him that you had died, and that I was going out to your funeral. Because I know that you would do that for me. I remember callling my Journalism teacher telling him that I was not going to make to the PR class that afternoon.

That whole day, I could feel that you were with me. Till this day, I don't understand why you started to help me first with your death. I remeber crying a lot on the airplane and thinking, what if they think that I am too emotional to fly.

I remeber going to your funeral and thinking I wish I had someone( a lover) to put there arm around me as it was all going on. But, that wouldn't happen because you where dead and in the casket. I rememebr putting in a picture of us in the caseket, a red rose and my testiomony. I remember crying a lot those first few days and still even as the days, weeks and months past by.
It's still so very hard without you here. I see my two friends, Tara and Colleen getting married. And how I feel soo left out. And how I want that so much in my life. I want someone to hold me, I want someone to wipe my tears. I feel so far from it. I miss you honey. I tried of being single. I feel like I am one of those people in the short story that I read called the "Outcast of Poker Flats" and how I feel that mayeb I will just get kick out of the town(okay not so much that, maybe just less valued because I am not getting married) and by meaning this I mean how they kick people out of the town because they impores as a person.

I miss you... I hated now that you are gone and I am left. I do wish a lot that I was in Heaven. When I tell friends this they, don't like and it makes them worry. But, I do, I don't have any other easy way of putting it that way. I don't want be a lone.. I want a compaion. Everyone tells me that I will get married, I just got keep my doors open. But they don't understand, I am doing good just to date Arthur now.

They dont understand what we felt and more so what we shared. I don't like it how people told me that maybe we weren't suppose to be togather.. that hurts.. I don't want have to go through life struggles without a compaion. I look at other people and how they are going to get to have there compaion to help them through it. And too me that is not fair. I have already experinced so much pain and struggles in life. And through those times I have had to turn to my friends, family, stuff animals, and of course the Lord.

Am, I really ever going to get married? Are people actually going to care that its finally happening to me... right now I don't believe that it will happen. Let me put it this way, I don't feel that it is going to happen.

I miss you. I miss you. Tell our kids, that Mommy Loves them very much and she thinks about them a lot. And really does want them to come to her to earth. But, aslo let them know that she is sorry that if they can't come to her. Let them know that they are special and give them an extra hug and kiss for me tonight.

I love you sweet-heart. Please always remeber that. I will love you through Enterity. Thank you for changing my life.

Love your loving best friend forever, God be with you till we meet again

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

The Root of My Emotions

This week starts a pretty crazy week for me. Tommorw, being Wednesday I have two test, English and Biology Lab; Thursday I have a Journalism Midterm and I will get the results of my Design Stylebook; and finshing the week, I have a biology test. Then the weekend, marks One Year since, my fiance Derek went to heaven, my primary activity and it's my sister's Brittany's Birthday; moving on to Sunday I am in charge of Sharing Time at Church. So, it is surpising that I have time today to sit down and blog because I have soo much to do.

The reason I blog today, because I have found a song that lately seems to fit all of my emotions, the emotions of missing Derek. It's a song called "True Colors" and for some reason I feel that it really fits me.

You with the sad eyes This would be me...
Don't be discouraged Every since Derek died, I've been this way, wondering if it would ever happen for me again
Oh I realize People have told me that I would, but I don't believe them,
It's hard to take courage
In a world full of people Of people getting the one thing I want and me having to wait
You can lose sight of it all After Derek died.. never thought it would happen again
And the darkness, inside you
Can make you feel so small I can only do so much, the rest is up to the other person.

Show me a smile then, I smile sometimes, but not all the time like I use too.
Don't be unhappy, can't remember When I last saw you laughing It is hard for me to remeber the last time, I was really laughing
If this world makes you crazy It seems like a lot of people in this world, get what I can't have yet.
And you've taken all you can bear You call me up I have lots of friends that I know I can count on to help me throughBecause you know I'll be there

Derek, was and is my best friend, I just miss him. I get tried of when people tell me to just move on or a least you weren't a mother when you lost him, being left to rasie a child by yourslef. (truth is I rather have that). The hurt I have from loosing Derek still is there. And just because I look fine on the outside, sometimes means on the inside I am screaming and loosing all inside. I see and hear about people getting married and it makes me sad. Bcause I want that soo much in my life.

I will say, three good notes about this: Derek came into my life at just the right time and was a blessing to me and my life. He was what I needed. And now, I have Arthur, a very understanding boyfriend. And yes, all of my friends and extend family that love me and help me through it all.

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Swimming in the Rain

Well, it's spring break 2008! At my friends, Jasmine and Pam, came with me to Dallas! It's been a lot of fun! And was a great road trip! Of, course it was a 6.5 hour car trip! but it was a lot of fun!
Anyways, I have been taking lots of pictures. Sunday, we went to the Dallas Arbutruim(or how ever in the heck that it is spelled). There were lots of tupiles(a type of flower) there. It was a Texas theme. It really has been a great spring break!

Today, it is raining, not just raining but, monsooning! I don't think I have seen this much rain since I left Arkanasa, right now, my socks and shoes are shoak!

Last year at spring break, Derek came and saw me. We had soo much fun togather! I miss him greatly. Yesterday, the 17th was the last day, I saw him a live, the last day I kissed him, the last day that I hugged him. And watch him, walk through the airport checkpoint. I kinda felt that would be the last time I would see him, but because I was in love, annyorgied that feeling. Which, leads me to my next point: it may sound harsh and mean. But, it is frankly how I feel. I hate happy couples and all of their bliss! (I should make myself clear, I don't hate them all, just some)

Why? because I wanted that so much in my life. I want to get married, I want to have the enteral happiness. I had it with Derek, and then he died! The pain of his death, hurts me soooo much. No one can really uncerstand the type of pain that I feel. It's like waking up and realizing that you have to go on by yourself. That, the person you love soo much is no longer there. There are times, I wish all the pain and hurt would simple just go away and that I wouldn't be in this pain any more, but that is not possible, becaue then that means I would have to stop loving them. And I can never stop loving Derek.

People tell, me oh, you will get married don't worry about it. But, to them, this is what I say:
When? and Prove it! Prove to me that I will gt married! And when I mean this, before I am 30! For thos math geeks out there thats 8 years away! I wanna be loved again(i know I have a boyfriend) I wanna to have some put there arms around me and hold me. I miss Derek, I miss him... why is hard for some people to see that?

Yes, P and J, I am okay.. I just needed to rant!

Thursday, March 13, 2008

Arkansas gets.. SNOW!!!

Okay, so Arkansas got its "snow storm" of the year! It happened on March 7, 2008!It Monticello, AR hard about 1 p.m. with siltness and it turned it to this white fluff stuff: know as snow. The weather got, pretty bad here, well, for us Arkansasan, and they cancelled classes for the rest of the day.

The snow, was soooo pretty and calming, that I really just enjoyed wacthing it fall from the sky. Seeing snow, is a rareity for us, but I sure did enjoy it! And the kids I babysit, loved it too!

Whats really crazy about this snow is that a week ago, we were getting thunderstroms warrings with torndaos and the following week, we have a snow strom!

One, of the reasons it made me happy was, I finally got my birthday snow, a month late!

Now, for the downside about this week... this time last year, Derek and I were seeing each other and hangout iwth each for the first time, since we meet online. We were madly in love with each other and kissing one another! It was fantistacte week. We went to Addison Circle, he meet my aunt and uncle, saw the JFK site, hung out, went to six flags, and kissed and talk about marriage and me becoming Future, Mrs.McGee.
I am greatful, for all that Derek, did in my life, for the great love he gave me, for his Chirst-like example. But, I am also greatful that he held my hand, when the doctor, told me that I needed to hae a thyriod biopsy to check for cancer.(In May, I found out that I was cancer free). He really loved me, and I loved him.

Yes, there is a new love in my life. But part of me will always, love and care for Derek.